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Germans: 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Black Woman

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First I want to say, I was rather lucky finding a German man that was not so ignorant about Black women. These questions are from the other men I have met, not only in Germany, but also in my travels in Europe. Let’s face it, there are not so many Black women in Europe. Here is Germany, Black people are about 0.05% of the population. This means much of the information German men get about Black women comes from television, or the rare occurrence that they may have interacted with a Black person. Depending on where they grown up, and lived of course.

I realize that a blog post in English directed at German men probably will not be read, but I figured I would give it a try anyways to perhaps help the German men who may be interested in a woman who happens to be Black. I say it like this, because so many German and European men tend to focus on the Black part first, and the woman part second. Hopefully, with these tips, you can make less of an ass of yourself when you decide to you want to flirt/date a Black woman living in Europe.

1. Can I touch your hair?

Most times when I have been asked this question, the person is already reaching out to touch my hair, and I have to flinch to avoid someone’s dirty hands coming in contact with my gorgeous locs. This is very annoying to Black women. We understand that our hair texture may be something you do not see every day, but just do not ask. In time, if you really date us, believe me, you will learn all you need to know about our hair.

2. Is your hair real?

I wear my hair natural, 90% of the time. On those truly bad hair days, I might pop on a wig. This is not the case for many other women. However, even if it looks like a hair hat, do not ask. Most women really think they are pulling it off, and your comment might come off as insulting. I am often asked this even when I am not wearing a wig. While, I would love for all of us ladies to embrace and enjoy our natural hair, many of us still indulge in wearing fake hair. However, there are many other non-black women who wear weaves as well. I went to beauty school. I had to learn about weaving. I never did a weave on a black girl. All my clients where european-americans. Please do not assume we are the only ones wearing extensions, or weaves.

3. Where in Africa are you from?/ Where are you from?

Again, there are not many Black women here in Germany. I am asked this question by every ‘race’ here. Even when they hear my terrible Californian valley girl accent, I am still asked. Just on the off chance I might be German, or the lady might be German, just assume first that she is German. For example, when I meet ANYBODY here in Berlin, I just say: ‘Are you from Berlin?’ or ‘Are you from Germany.’ Unless it is super clear where they might be from, just be on the safe side. It reinforces to some people that Germans look a certain way, and since I am brown, I could not be from Germany.

The other part of this is not every Black woman knows where in Africa they might be from. There is this term called the diaspora. These are Black people being born and living in other countries outside of Africa. They could be from Brazil, USA, UK, Canada and so on. Not all of these people can name where there families in Africa could be from. My family has been in America for 500 years. If you can tell me where your family was 500 years ago, after there was a whole system in place to make sure you NEVER found this information, I would be surprised.

4. “I’m not usually attracted to black women but you’re different.”

What in the hell is that? If this was said to you.. how would you feel? ‘I am not normally attracted to white European men, but you are different.’ If you like the woman, you like her.

5. I only date Black women

Black women are not a type. This really is starting to piss me off when I hear this. I feel like I am some sort of fetish, as if I am not seen as a woman first. It does not make you cool for that fact either. Am I supposed to feel happy about this?

6. Black women are so much easier to get along with (sexually)

I really think this is projection here. I have to say my Black girlfriends are on average EXTREMELY conservative sexually. We rarely talk about sex, and some do not even use graphic terms when we have girl talk. I recently heard: ‘I s’d his d’ meaning she sucked his dick. I know my background, so I am rather out there, but most of my Black girlfriends are really not as wild and sexual as some may think. This is not a compliment.

7. Black women are so sexy

I know, this really sounds like a compliment, but again, it is not. We are not all one block of people. We are individuals. Do you really mean to say that every Black woman on this planet is sexy? I personally do not find Oprah to be sexy, do you? This goes back to generalizations. Even it is a nice one, I do not want to be lumped into one group.

8. Referring to her as chocolate

Again, I am a human, not a snack or dessert. This may be the color of my skin, but it is not a compliment. I usually retort, vanilla back to them until I learned vanilla is actually brown before they process it into ice cream. I have to come up with a new line for this one.

9. I consider myself colorblind

This may sound like a contradiction to what I am saying above, but what I am trying to say here is that unfortunately, the color of ones skin still carries issues with it. I am other, different, ‘exotic’, thought of something else. So, you saying that you ignore it, to me, that is just naive. Let us not ignore these issues of racism, or they will never go away.

10. Can you tan?

Yes, some dumbass asked me this question. It was a caramel colored TURKISH- German male. I just had to walk away with that question. I wondered, can you tan? What is that? I swear, some people.

Extra-

11. The German said I should mention the question about smell. He says his friends ask him if Black girls smell differently. DO NOT ask a Black girl this. I think the Germans smell like pork personally, this is not a slight, I think it is just a diet thing. They eat soooo much pork products, I just started to notice it a bit. I think this different types of smells come from what people are eating. This was a weird one, but he insisted I mention this.

12. You are pretty, for a black girl/dark skinned girl

I mean really. Just think before you say something.. would I like it if someone said this to me?

Can anyone add more to this? Please let me know your thoughts

  • Kato Cooks

    Great topic, Kim. Ignorance, as with “race,” is a constant. It’s good to know that you are well, staying busy, and moving forward.

    • kimnberlin

      Thank you! I am staying very busy.. got to write more of these things in advance

  • I agree on how rude most are or can be except for #5 & #7. I have said I only date black women because I have for the past 6 years. I don’t see it as a fetish but a personal preference. I don’t date my races (ever), so that eliminates most all races except for white and black and found myself more attracted to black women, so I don’t bother dating white women any more. Which leads to #7. While I don’t generalize saying all black women are so sexy, for the most part they are more attractive to me.

    • kimnberlin

      Good job.

  • Ali Schwarzer

    An extra bonus question which should be squeezed in after the third question: “No, no, ([more angry] you do know what I mean): Where are you REALLY from?

    • kimnberlin

      I know right.. as if asking several more times would give that right answer. LOL

  • This is a great topic. I read this post this morning before work and ironically I had a very similar experience with a white guy here in Germany. Love your new design and latests posts. Keep it up Kim!

    • kimnberlin

      Thank you

  • Caressa Clark

    “My ex girlfriend was black”…. cool, but do you have to share this information within the first 5 minutes of meeting me? Not to mention that when they pull out a photo of this “ex”, the woman in the picture is obviously mixed 95% of the time. And I do not say that to take away from my mixed sisters out there, just stating my experience.
    Another one is, “One of my best friends is a black guy, he is SO FUNNY!”

    • Bringing that up in the conversation isn’t classy at all. While I’ve only dated black women for years now, I’ve never initiated a conversation like that. Unfortunately, I’ve had to bring it up because the majority of women I’ve dated ask the same question, “Have you ever dated a black women before”? It’s not just the women in southern California (where I live now) but the women in the Tampa Bay area (Florida, where I’m from) have asked that question too. That’s the #1 question asked. I usually reply with a simple “Yes” but at times I’ve explained in details when the question is asked before they even want to get to know me at all.

    • Hahahaha yesss so true! I do not really get this way of thinking.

      I remember when I met this Spanish guy who had gone out of his way to try to know me – he was oh so excited!!!! And was running on about how I reminded him of his ex girlfriend who was black and had trenzitas (braids) like mine and that they were together for like 5 years or something and that he really wanted to know me.

      Like what? I think I choked on air.

      Race aside, how could that ever be a great way to potentially start something with someone? Geez!

  • Dai

    Interesting article, Kim the Sin. Love your chatty writing style.
    Always a pleasure to discover what you’re up to and what you think about things.

    • kimnberlin

      thank you

  • marshal

    #10 lol nearly choked and fell over

    • kimnberlin

      It is true 🙂

  • * KIM!!! Where do I even start!

    I think every black woman has the “can I touch your hair” horror story, and as you say, the person is already touching. I find it just in bad taste. If you are 5 yr old / that’s cool. But for an adult, no. I have no qualms about saying no either.

    I once had a white american man hit on me and when I showed (politely mind you, even though his come on was impolite) that I was not interested, he proceeded to tell me about “my weave”…I promptly replied that it was y hair / because it was! I wear braids in the winter (for protection) and usually have my hair out in the hotter seasons! Such blatant sexism and ignorance on his part!

    Kim, it is so strange because I am actually African and yet I am not often faced with this question! I am from an English speaker African country (Nigeria) so I speak French with a distinct anglophone accent so people automatically assume I must be from the US or UK since the ONLY English-speaking black people come from there (sarcasm). I always find it interesting to see how our experiences as black women in Europe are so diverse 🙂

    When anyone, whether in friendship or dating tries to somehow justify my being in their life by stating that I am somehow “different” from the other “blacks” or “Africans” …I see red. It is pure racism.

    Hahahaha! Kim! I’m awful! Because I don’t mind so much being fetishized (depending), it’s funny to me. I laugh at their awkwardness and then educate them because these sorts are often generally more open to being corrected and learning (if they are even worth the lesson). I had a house-mate who would make fun of me by calling me “Hershey” and in my experience often-times when French men want to give me a pet name it is “Panthere” (panther). And I adore it! The same I actually adore being called “Negrita” even though that RARELY happens in Spain..so complicated….

    The whole colour-blind thing is the most hypocritical cop out piece of bullshit right up there with reverse racism. Like really?

    So sorry that my comment is so long lol But I adore this article. I shall share! You’ve really made me want to visit Berlin and I never had any interest in visiting Germany at all before I read your blog! *

    • Cool..

      I try to make it positive you know.. I get all the things you are saying. I am just glad folks like you are reading

  • Lady B

    Well needless to say, one of my recent Facebook posts went as follows: Please don’t call me exotic, I’m not a destination.
    Enjoyed reading this post!

  • anb3rlyn

    1-10 and 12 spot on…I’ve dated globally and after 25 years You kinda smile, nod or just simply walk away…thanks, I truly enjoy your random thoughts

    • kimnberlin

      Thank you!

  • Ass Mungler

    I’m black myself and I find German men kind of attractive but what I
    really like are Dutch, Danish and my favorite Candadian men! (swoons). I
    guess I’m unusual.

    • kimnberlin

      LOL Canadians.. well.. you cant help who you love.

  • Mark Loveday

    People say things that we find odd the whole world over. My wife, who is of Jamaican heritage, and I visited Cuba a few years back. we took our two children with us. Whilst there, we visited a town called Cardenas. It was typically Cuban: a bit run down, and has one claim to fame. Cardenas was the home town of Elian Gonzalez, the little boy who was washed up alone on a Florida beach, all his family having died on the crossing from Cuba. Cardenas has a museum in part dedicated to this boy.

    So, the four of us approached the museum. The entry cost was $2 per person, and I offered up $10, only for the black Cuban guy on the door to say “Oh no, she pays in pesos” He made the immediate assumption that my wife was Cuban. She went ballistic, and it all came out, “I’m sick of your fucking country. You think there are no black people anywhere else but here? You probably think I am jinitera, like all the others here who don’t want me to go into a hotel, have money, use a credit card…” On it went, until on her final silence, I asked the guy if there was a guide for the museum. He answered “Yes, it’s me.”

    • Yeah.. the world is a crazy place..

    • Wendy Jeanlouis

      Why did she have to pay in pesos?

      • Mark

        Because, being black, it was assumed she was Cuban.

  • #8 never really bothered me. In fact, I think it’s kind of cute. But #3 happened to me so often that it became a running joke. It is kind of silly. However, I started writing a Kindle Single about it. I left before I was able to finish it, but I’m still working on completing it from my native California.

    • An ordinary girlಌ

      #8 is cute haha i agree, i don’t know why any other Black girl would be offended by it

  • An ordinary girlಌ

    Not true! I’m an African American female, and I wouldn’t care if a White German guy asked to feel my hair. I don’t like just anyone touching my hair, but if he’s hot, I don’t care. I find it flattering when men say they like Black women, and I also don’t mind being called chocolate 😉 It’s sexy! Guys, not all Black women are the same.

    • Open minded

      Agreed. I’m so comfortable with being a peanut butter color it’s nothing like it. Of course European men is going to be curious I don’t think it’s something to get offended about if they want to touch your hair or ask if it’s real hell black men do it too only difference besides race is that it’s not too many of us in Germany. As a black American woman it’s more racist here then anywhere. Blacks are racist of Africans and other blacks. My point is its human nature to be curious about things we know nothing about its just having the courage to not knock it before you try it.

  • An ordinary girlಌ

    2, 11, and 4 are the only ones that would offend me! 3 would not offend me, but it might make things awkward as I’m explaining why I don’t know lol

  • Tom

    Seriously, you must be makin that shit up. I am german, Im from Berlin, I NEVER EVER have heard anyone come up with those stupid lines who gave away.

    Did it ever occur to you that its the kind/scene that hits you up with stuff like that? If you hang out in big clubs with shitheads, its not the fault of Berlin or Germany, its your poor choice.

    • Hmm if you think I am making it up.. thank you. I must have an awesome imagination. Apparently other black women are delusional as well.

  • Tiffany

    5 and 7 don’t bother me at all. Some black women sound uptight when I read complaints like this. Some men may take it that black women don’t like being complimented about our ethnic features. Don’t ruin it for the rest of us. This is not to you Kim, but in general. I’d like to know what part of the U.S. you’re from and who you’ve dated. The way some black women complain, you’d think that African American women are regularly showered with compliments about our African gorgeousness. I could see a white woman whining about something like 5 and 7. Knit picking, because they’re spoiled and held as the paragons of beauty. But for these complaints to come from black women is shocking.

    Believe it or not, some men really do prefer black women. Do you know how
    mind-blowing it would be for me to be showered with attention like this? And
    mind you, I have been told I’m pretty by both blacks and whites during my 28
    years of living. But I have never experienced a white male approaching me or
    asking me out. Black women are not loved in the United States. White men in
    many places don’t approach us and thanks to anti-black propaganda from the
    media, many other races are hesitant to. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but
    lets not be naïve here. I think some Black American women are so unaccustomed
    to being adored for being BLACK women with unrestrained admiration, we’re so
    used to the negativity that when some men express their preference for black
    women, we become suspicious and skeptical. There must be a catch to it. Because
    that’s how racist WHITE AMERICAN men behave. Since slavery. They’re ulterior
    motives were hatefully vile. Depraved.

    But European men and other races of men don’t have that baggage. All men can
    have ulterior motives, but there’s a difference between lusty pursuit because
    you’re a woman as opposed to having a racist fetish. Some of this negativity is
    indoctrinated into black girls from the Black community. And controlling black
    men that fear losing their female property while they go out with Becky. Let’s
    notice the manipulation.

    I definitely plan to visit Europe and the world so I can experience these
    “annoying” faux pas. Traveling abroad allows black women to expand how we see ourselves. To actually be seen as a woman first instead of black. I don’t mind if the latter is their motive for approaching me. Bring on the pro-black compliments!

  • Kühlwalda

    Please leave such xenophobic comments as “Germans smell of porc”. Don’t do what you expect others NOT to do. Thank you very much.

  • Wow it is shocking how many of these points you have mentioned had happened to me 😀 Somehow it is pretty sad and it is hard to break that wall of ignorance… Some of them try to be just nice and think when they approach you in that way it is a compliment….Some don’t even get why we get mad on those kind of behavior. But thats just the way some try to approach because they don’t know another way. Anyway great post 🙂

  • sengnom

    Hi. I disagree with said list [African girl leaving in the UK- with various nationalities including German- for a very long time]

  • sengnom

    Hi. I disagree with above post. There are worse things in the world. Also, people (not organisations) should be free to ask questions/make statements in error so that they can be educated- how else will they know? No need to be so serious now- even when the person intends to offend- laugh- educate- move on- from them of course [African girl leaving in the UK- with various nationalities including German- for a very long time] :p

  • Martin

    Ok i had White girlfriends, a Chinese girl, and my then a mixed African, now engaged to an African American. I found women of African descent far more open about sex with me, perhaps its just personal experience but is it not down to sexual selection to be attracted to those of different races to keep gene diversity in children. But god my fiancee is definitely sexiest till now…… Just wow and yes watch the hair….. Oh all races can be beautiful. But i love my brown eyed full lipped girl. She was always trying to lighten her skin. I think i changed her mind.

  • You’re right it’s not everyone, but there is a fetish that they can’t help, because they are unaware of it. Just read the poem Schwarz-Weiss in the book Mein Zauberschloss Hat Viele Türen (My Mindpalace Has Many Doors) on page 8, look at the picture of the white girl letting the boy hug her but her eyes are all creeped out by his hand touching her on page 7.

    The poem reads like a how to for borderline personality disorder.

    Black – White

    My friend is black and I am white.
    We are like Chocolate-Cream-Ice Cream.
    when/thats-the-way we go together.
    We trade sometimes our shoe (shoe on the other foot)
    We whispercast our clan-Destin-ies shut/sealed

    While we are us well savvy.
    He is said to be Joel, I am Marie
    And quarrel us yet never
    That would/lead to be much-too-much/ all too (con)sealed Pitiful-Shame
    I allow/give-leave/let/let-go me-myself later/eventually/after-he with him trust/dissapoint/be-loyal
    Then will be ours (plural but why?) Children/Of-His-Kind/ brown/bronze(verb)
    like/as/how/ Whole-Milk-Chocolate/ Fraught-Lactated-Shock-Loaded

    It all depends on intonation and intention, the sentence melody and rhythm at which one speaks and most don’t hear the words coming out of their mouths.

    Here are two examples of what I mean read the following words out loud until you hear what you are saying:

    Eye yam! Sofa King! Rita Ted!

    …This makes sense to English speakers and sounds odd to non native speakers.
    Here is the Vice Versa:

    Itch abs! Nude in owls! Fur boat!
    …Makes no sense in English, is what I tell the hardcore creepy tourists to use a pickup line so I can communicate to Germans what they need to know without raising any suspicion from The Men Who Have Pencil Mustaches.

    In English speaking countries, we pull a linguistic prank like this then let the Fool Trippin on his own words in on the joke, in Germany people that know what is being said are so nice that they just don’t react because they don’t want to explain to someone who doesn’t read poetry and fables and everything they should have taken the time to learn in school.

    All this niceness and not helping someone who is blind to what is being said leads to people thinking in black and white and saying things they don’t understand or mean, which tends to come out thunderously wrong and offensive.

    If someone starts speaking in rhymes and riddles ALWAYS write it down, then look up the synonyms on a site like https://www.dict.cc/ or, just end the conversation with no conversation, or if they won’t take a hint, clue, or demand.

    just say “ist mir egal, kein Gespräch!” then initiate Conversation Termination aka Gesprächsbeendigung. If they keep it up, call the cops, say “Weg dammit!” “Hau ab!” “geh mal weiter!” or just roar “Kein Gespräch mehr!”

    Because, if they can’t take no for an answer it is a fetish, a hardcore, dangerous fetish of a person who has gotten all twisted up in their head from never reading or trying to figure out the whys of life which has turned into Borderline Personality Disorder with these three steps of every “Borderliner” BPD they Idealize, Devalue Discard.

    They aren’t bad people, just need to learn how to not use Black and White thinking, Magical Thinking, and Linear Thinking. Don’t be a Social Justice Warrior, or a White Knight for them, you are not qualified and it takes a team to help them get it together.

    The moment you feel the objectification, fetishization directed at you end the conversation. TELL (never ask) a German who you trust or that has to be in that location for work to help that person either leave, or call the police. They kind fluctuate between a dreamstate and reality and are not fully aware of what they are doing, so always tell someone to help them, not you, don’t ask for help. Tell people to take care of someone who has turned you into the object of your desires, even if that person is helped by getting Hausverbot.

    It requries Empathie-Mitgefuhl never Symapthie-Pity. Pity will gets everyone nowhere fast, genuine empathy will protect you, them and actually adress and deal with the source of the problem.

    (In that poem the man’s name is Joel and the Woman’s is Marie… a lot of men named Joel obssess over Marie Antoionette aka The Wicked Queen aka Bloody Mary, he name Joel combines the covenant name of God, YHWH (or Yahweh), and el (god) of whom Mary is the mother… Joel was a prophet of cataclysmic events)

    https://books.google.de/books?id=ATh1BAAAQBAJ&pg=PP1&lpg=PP1&dq=zauberschloss+hat+viele+t%C3%BCren&source=bl&ots=PdlFdL59u1&sig=ZgfUy9FUOHOWRAreGxCEhPjbMBQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiy2c2Os9nNAhWGtBQKHa71CtoQ6AEIJjAB#v=onepage&q=zauberschloss%20hat%20viele%20t%C3%BCren&f=false

  • Angela Jordan

    Girl, you had me until the Oprah comment. That made me question the validity of everything you said because clearly, Oprah is beautiful and sexy -bomb shape & pretty face